I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m an older mom, now 37 years old, or that this is my 5th pregnancy, but I am so much more aware and in tune with this little one than I’ve ever been before. For example, in the last week or so, I can can actually feel her settling down and descending into position. Sometimes I move too fast in the kitchen as something is about to boil over or as I take a step toward my little guy to keep him from falling off a chair and suddenly it feels like she’s just going to fall out. Other times, it feels like I’m having a completely painless contraction (which I’ve never been aware of before in any of my previous pregnancies). In those instances its a slow, strange sensation, almost like the scary part of a roller coaster, but in very slow motion. At that moment, I can picture the birth canal opening and my body preparing to bring her into this world. I’m not on board the meditation train that I know is trending right now with pregnant Hollywood mommy types, but I must admit that envisioning what is happening really brings me a sense of peace and comfort. It’s like a glimpse into God’s great hand in every detail of my little girls’ life in my womb. Amazing stuff!
We have been so busy with the older kids’ homeschooling (even though I am pretty hands off now and they are very independent, there is still alot to do and plan). We’ve been even busier with just keeping up with our super active one year old. And then there’s all the other regular stay at home mom/wife duties that need to be fulfilled, so it feels like this pregnancy is flying by. Maybe that has to do with why I am so aware of how special it is, because the precious moments I do get to sit and think about her are so far and in between. I had not really felt “big” until last week. A friend came to visit me during week 36 and I was still literally running around after my little guy pretty comfortably. I didn’t even have to take one nap the entire week, I was feeling pretty good. Then one morning, around the middle of week 37, I woke up and just like that, I felt “really pregnant”. I had my ob appointment and sure enough, in one week I gained two pounds and my belly grew by two more inches. A day later, we could see that my belly had started to fall. I hope she comes soon because this feeling “really pregnant” and “really big” is not so much fun. I’m making up for it though by staying busy planning for her homecoming.
As you can tell, when I do get a break to sit and think about it, I am savoring every single detail, primarily because this might be the last time I am ever pregnant. That’s what Dad keeps saying, anyhow. He’s so cute, I heard him pray at the dinner table the other night something like this “…oh, and Dear God, please keep our little baby inside Mommy safe and let her be born healthy, thank you for this last baby [ then I think he caught himself making that assumption because he apologetically added] … that is, if it is your will that she be our last baby, if not then let your will be done.” I smiled, but knew he was scared. Just for the record, the girls and I think that there’s a possibility that God might bless us just one more time with another baby after our baby girl. It’s a long story, I’ll have to share it if I do get pregnant one more time. If not, then it’s all good.
For now, I’ll just share that it’s a sweet and scary thought at the same time. The faithful part of me knows this would mean the Lord has found favor in us and has decided to bless us beyond what we could ever ask for or imagine. And then there’s the exhausted part of me that slows down and thinks, “hmmm, maybe Dad’s onto something with this ‘last baby’ talk?” I don’t know how that would work out, I have to admit that with the strong willed, energetic little boy that God gave us, many times I have felt like there’s no way that I could add even one more thing to my life. It’s a wonder that we have a real dinner on the table most evenings. And I’m being generous with the word “most”. Since he was born, we have had to eat more take out than any other time in our lives. This is really disappointing because we were really on a roll with our “Paleo-ish” lifestyle for the last couple of years before he was born. Now we do our best, but some nights the -ISH part of it more prominent. Sometimes it even looks like pizza hut pizza with baby bak-choy and cauliflower on the side! Yes, feel free to gasp, but don’t forget to give me points for the veggies!
Then there’s the sleep thing… baby boy wakes up very early and is ready to play at about 5:45 a.m. Only in the last few weeks (and he’s now 15 months) has he been sleeping in until, woohoo, get this, around 6:15 a.m. or even 7:00 a.m. So because of this, those long morning hours of alone studying and prayer sessions with God have completely gone out the window. I am always so excited to get dinner going because it’s the beginning of the countdown to bedtime both for Mommy and Baby. I always have these grand dreams of how just as soon as his bedtime routine of bath, reading, bottle and rocking to him to bed, I will sneak out of his room and have some alone time. I will take a hot shower, make some hot tea, the rest of my family will have magically gone to bed early and I will sit at my computer and write and even study God’s Word. It never happens. By around 8:00 p.m. I am OUT! I don’t even know when my hubby and my big kids go to bed anymore! Then of course, since I’m at the end of my pregnancy now, anytime between 12:00 to 2:30 a.m. I have to get up to go to the restroom, and recently, many times I just can’t fall back asleep until around 5:30 a.m. And so, the sleep deficit grows. Dad says he’s going to take over and either co-sleep with baby boy or have his little bed next to his side of the bed when the new baby comes. Then my focus will shift to caring for our baby girl at night. We’ll see….
Thanks for hanging in there with the whining. It’s time for the faithful part of me to come back again. Almost fifteen years ago, I got pregnant three times in three years. Most of it is a big blur now, it happened so fast. However, my journal entries note that I was extremely sleep deprived. I had no experience as a mom. I was not prepared at all. Everything was new and scary. And yet….GOD. That’s it, it was GOD who held it all together! He took over for me in all of the areas in which I fell short. He not only gave me wisdom, energy and love for my children, but most importantly He generously extended never-ending patience and grace towards me! He was there to celebrate all of the victories with me and cheer me on and there to pick me up and carry me through all of the times I fell. All of these gifts from Him have overflown into the hearts and minds of my girls and they are really turning into beautiful young ladies.
So, if all it takes to move a mountain is faith like a mustard seed, then I have it! I have just enough of it to believe that God can and is willing to do it all over again! He is faithful to make me the Mommy and Wife I need to be. He is faithful to help me raise as many kids as He wishes to bless me with…for Him and for His Glory! I can do this! 🙂 Shhh….I know he’s not reading this, but Daddy can do it too 🙂