Secondary Infertility: Now What?
As I shared in my last post, I recently received the shock of being labeled with secondary infertility. I won’t say diagnosed, because I refuse to believe or accept that it is a disease. Plus, my OBGYN didn’t even bother to give it a name for me. I refuse to own it.
Secondary infertility truly turned out to be a blessing; I’ll explain why.
I’d been struggling with my priorities at home ever since I started staying home. I had crazy dreams of getting a business going from home. But no one can serve two masters. So I wasn’t being 100% the queen of my castle nor was I being 100% the mompreneur I wanted to be. Thus, I felt I was failing in both areas.
Deep in my heart, I wanted to just focus on my faith, family, and home . . . but I couldn’t let go of the former career oriented self. Now I could. Now things were put in perspective.
I realized how much time I wasted in front of a computer and on the phone, rather than enjoying my daughter . . . who now might be my only child. Kids really do grow up too fast.
I stare at her now. I see those round chubby cheeks disappearing. I see my baby no more, but a pretty little girl flourishing. Soon she’ll be too big to want to cuddle. I have to love on her as much as I can now!
Am I over the desire to have another child? No way! So what next?
The first step was mourn. Yes, mourn.
Despite hubby’s attempt to support me and be one with me, I felt alone with the feeling of ineptness and loss. Yes, loss. Even though I have a child, I felt loss for the children I may never have.
I don’t dare to say it might compare to the loss felt with primary infertility or the tragedy of a miscarriage, but it is loss non the less that is felt.
I’d also like to say this; it is ok to mourn. People may say, “be thankful you have one child”. Not that it is people’s intentions, but what may result is that a woman going through secondary infertility may feel she doesn’t have the right to mourn. After all, she does have a child? She should be grateful and make the most of it, right?
The mourning over the children you may no longer be able to have is in no way representative of lack of thankfulness for the present child. It is not selfishness. It is natural.
So I cried. I cried a lot. I prayed. I prayed a lot . . . not for a solution, but for comfort and guidance.
I told a few trusted loved ones. It felt so good to share and have their support. If you are going through this, know that you are not under any obligation to tell everyone close to you. It’s a hard thing to go through, just share with those you know will support you best . . . at least while you figure out how to move forward, because you will and there will be comfort in it.
The next step was figuring out the next step.
Three options came to mind: fertility treatment, seeking natural solutions, and adoption.
I’m not the type of person to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended 😉 ), so I knew I needed at least a plan A and a plan B. We started by considering fertility treatment . . . well I started considering fertility treatment.
Truth is, it truly felt like it was just my issue, mine to take the lead on . . . not my hubby’s issue. After all, there was no problem with his swimmers.
Hubby wants kids. But he’s very good at going with the flow and adjusting to a situation. If one kid is all we could have, he’d be fine with it. If I wanted to keep trying, he’d be fine with it. So it was really up to me to decide how to continue.
Fertility treatment is what the doctor recommended, so it only made sense I look into that first. To be honest, I did not spend much time investigating fertility treatment.
I did a few google searches on my specific condition, high FSH and low AMH values. What I found was that more than likely I would be advised to attempt in vitro fertilization (IVF) with a donor egg.
I carefully thought about this and considered fertility treatment from a rational perspective. I considered the cost, time investment, physical ordeal my body would go through, and possible strain on our home life. I considered the fact that my egg would not be used.
I decided fertility treatment was not for us. The costs and the risks were high. In this case, perspective on the fact that I’ve already experienced a successful pregnancy took hold. I was grateful for that gift. I figured, if the next child would not be my blood, why not just consider adoption instead.
Natural Solutions and Adoption
After prayer and much discussion, we decided we’d try things naturally as a plan A and consider adoption as a plan B. We’d give ourselves 6 months to conceive naturally. During that time, we’d work on finding out the details necessary to move forward with adoption through the foster system. Our goal was to become parents again, somehow, in 12 months’ time.
You may be wondering how it was we were planning to conceive naturally if we hadn’t been able thus far and were told we couldn’t. The answer to that question is faith first and natural living second.
We believe God is almighty and all powerful. He is merciful. He answers the prayers of the faithful.
We believe God created our bodies perfectly. They have only been corrupted by changes of this world and by what we ourselves do to them.
It only made sense to me, that by treating my body as God’s temple and seeking a more natural life, things would fall into place. My body would start functioning as the perfect design it was meant to be.
Has it worked?
Please stay tuned as I continue to share my story of this journey to motherhood. In my next post, I will discuss the natural solutions I have sought and the progress I’ve experienced thus far.